I'm baaaaacccckkk

So.... after a few months of struggling with my self, I am back.

Whats new in my world? Well there has been quite a bit. Lets see, I am no longer doing Weight Watchers. During my struggle with myself (mentally) I discovered a few things.... I have been blocking my efforts with negative thoughts, allowed my emotions to drive me, and that I needed more.

In June, my last posts, I was looking at binaural beats/alpha brainwave to bypass my subconscious thought patterns to put some positive messages into brain so that I could have a fighting chance. This lead to me discovering a method of weight loss that I am so very happy with. Over the years I have had an issue with  different weight loss methods that I have tried, something wasn't right each time.... this feels like a perfect fit.... for everything. Its the Gabriel Method, some may have heard of it. Basically this guy has a great organic approach to eating, simple, some exercise, lots of positive language and visualisations, and a focus coming off the numbers and onto how you are feeling. Sooooo tree hugger, sooo me!

I have also started seeing a counsellor to get to the bottom of why I have held onto my weight... emotionally etc. To see if we can clear up any past issues that I may be really holding onto that I can get rid of. I have also booked myself into a course that will help me clear up any past baggage that I may have.

For the last 3 weeks I have been going to the gym, trying for 3 times a week and feeling great. I do an hour each time and do some cardio and some resistance. I feel sore, but happy. Truly, for the first time in my whole life, I am loving going to the gym. Sure it could be the time out from the kids and domesticity, or the fact that I can have my ipod up really loud and lose myself in my own music... but I think it really is the fact that I feel brilliant that I have been able to set myself challenges and smash through them.

So, back to the long list of to dos for today.... I have already been to the gym so what ever else I achieve today, really is a bonus.

Its great to be back!!!

Not at 5%

Ok, so I feel pretty down lately, especially when I put on a kilo this week rather than lose more than that to get to my mini goal I set last week.

Clearly the weightloss fairy didnt pay a visit and magically sprinkle weightloss dust on me.... rude cow she is.

The plan is there, the will, the know how... how do I flick that switch back on? I have decided that its time to call in some reinforcements, a Life Coach is what I think will be handy to help me get to my goals.

Failure is all I can see at the moment, its what I feel, and taste. Crunch time, get on and fix it for good or accept a shorter and unhappier life.

A 5% goal

My mojo has been misplaced... come back, please!

Ok, so I have lost a kilo this week, god only knows how... maybe he is on my side this week. We have had horrible rainy days and quite a few visitors which of course means food.

My new slow cooker is becoming a new favourite piece of equiptment in the kitchen. It is so nice to be able to preplan what we are having for dinner and not have the mad rush in the evening to get it all together. I would really love to build my recipies up for really healthy slow cooked meals. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

I have a new goal today, that by the time I get to Coffs again which is in a week and a half, I want be at my 5% goal. Its 1.6kgs away and if I really put in a good effort, it is absolutely obtainable. I want those scales to read less than they do today, and I know that the effort is really worth it.

This hard thing at the moment is to stay motivated. I have the drive, the passion, the need, the ability; its the brain that is the issue. Why cant there be a drug that keeps the brain on track? Maybe its a lazy muscle the brain, that needs to be exercised just like the other muscles in my body. Something to think about anyway.

NZ & Update

I hate that, I had written a whole post and lost it :( It was a really long and good one too.  Here is what I can remember;

NZ - We had a good time, New Zealand is beautiful this time of year with all the autumn colours out in full force, a gorgeous blend of reds, browns, yellows and green. The rolling hills remind me of parts of the UK, minus the bone chill factor. Travelling with twin toddlers really does change how you travel though and thank god it wasnt a long flight, 3hrs was long enough. Here are some pics : - http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/sredir?uname=djsymons1975&target=ALBUM&id=5475029901777253121&authkey=Gv1sRgCNipv9abgJ26iAE&feat=email


Update - Sorry I havent been as frequent with my posts as I really should be, having no internet access whilst away didnt help, but even before that I have let my focus slip.

The day that we went away (Sunday 16.05) I weighed myself at 128.4 (Yippee) and then again this morning and was 128.6. So in 9 days I have put on 200gms. This can be seen as ok as I was away on holidays and this really isnt much, which is true for me as I tend to stack some on while away. However I am not going to take that 'out' anymore. Food wise I made good choices up until the last few days which is where I came undone. I tend to really make some shocking choices around the time of my period. It was such a shame.

I am at the point in my usual weight loss cycle where the start of the end begins. Its now that the self sabotage begins and I can see when I begin to give up. Historically I get on the mini roller coaster ride of small increases and decreases in weight rather than the steady decline that I need to maintain, and as you can see I am back there AGAIN!!!! So this is it, the point of the cycle that I need to break and get back on track... and stay there!!! So we are back sooner that I hoped. Mentally I am telling myself its time to roll up my sleeves and get on with the hard work that this journey requires to succeed. I am a bit scared though, I really feel mentally and emotionally weak at the moment. This cant be an excuse for me, which I know that I am tempted to use and any other that I can think of. To be honest I am fighting the demons constantly at the moment. Exercise wise I have am full of excuses - Its too hot/cold/rainy, I am too tired, I cant fit it into my day etc. Stupidly once I do get through that and crack on and do the exercise I feel energised, great and proud of my achievements.

So one step at a time - FOCUS Peta FOCUS!!!

Focus this week on the things that I can do - I can track my food, I can have 1 more glass of water tomorrow than I did today, and I can find half an hour or more to work out/walk/or Wii Fit.

I am worth the work. I AM worth the work. I am WORTH the work.

Quiet

I am currently enjoying some stillness in the house, the only sound is the radio blaring... to me this is fantastic quiet. The kids are in daycare and David is out of the house briefly. It is a rare moment to have this moment in time for myself. A chance to reflect, to do some internal talking to build up my strength again.

So much has been happening lately, I feel like there are days when I am so stressed that every muscle in my body is tense... why cant we all have a masseuse live with us?

We are heading to the Land of the Long White Cloud (NZ) on Sunday which is fantastic. I am looking forward to having some family time away from the house and share new experiences with each other. One of my fears though is the plane trip there which involves having one of the babies on my lap the whole way... god I hope that it is safe for them, with me at this weight. I hope that the plane isnt full and there is a spare seat between us. I am not looking forward to people looking me up and down as they do when I am on the plane, especially as I have been hearing on the radio all the discussions around how fat people on planes should be forced to pay for 2 seats... apparently other people shouldnt feel uncomfortable next to us just because we have an eating issue. Brilliant. Oh well, not much I can do about peoples opinions, and I just need to block out the looks and sniggers, as I have done my whole life. God, I have had people shout things from cars at me, call me fat as I walk past them on the street, make BOOM BOOM noises as my feet walk on the path. The world is full of these charmers, I can only control myself, my thoughts, my actions not others.

Danger Zone

Well I have entered the danger zone.... this week I took my foot off the accelerater and stopped writing down my food intake, and only exercised once. In my brain I was still on track and had everything under control. Well clearly I didn't, this weeks weight in shows that I have nothing under control... seriously if I did would I be this fat?

I put weight on this week, 0.9kgs... what a waste of my efforts from last week. This really is an issue, the fact that I think I can relax my standards at all. Obviously my body cant tolerate the relaxed mode even for a few days. I wasnt back to my normal self though which is scary, no chocolate was consumed, I didnt have cakes on the side.... but I think I have to ban the light biscuits from the house, I cant seem to turn the switch off when it comes to those.

There are many lessons learned from this for me, I now need to make it a positive some how so I dont begin to punish myself with food as I would have done previously... along with the failure messages I tell myself. Though it is a slip, just one I need to use wisely.

Onward and upward!!

Weigh in day

What a great start to the day, I have lost 1.8kg this week which puts me perfectly on track at 4kgs on 4 weeks. This is the rate that I think is ideal for weight loss, between .5 - 1kg a week.

Upon entering my new weight into the WW online tracker, it informed me that I have done so well that I get to eat less now, hahahha bitter sweet.

I have reached my first mini goal which is to be in the 120's and I am close to getting to 5% with WW, so good things are happening. I think that when I get to 5% I will treat myself to a massage.

Today I am feeling happy with my success so far and I am beginning to feel proud of myself.