Loving yourself

I have had this thought in my head for the last few days, well more of a memory of something my mum used to say to me. My mum... she is kind of 'special' in many ways, not many of them helpful to be honest, however a few gems have come my way which I will hold onto. She used to say "If you cant love yourself, dont expect anyone else to". I am not sure I really listened to her at the time, the teenager in me heard nothing helpful as she was talking about my potty mouth.

These word are almost haunting me at the moment. Do I infact love myself? I actually dont think that I do, I know I definitely like some things like my sense of humour (oh yes I even laugh at my own jokes), my ability to care, I like my openness and feeling of freedom that comes from knowing my own mind. But I definitely do not like what I see in the mirror, let alone love it... that, I think will come from hard work physically, emotionally and mentally.

Kim from http://savingmylife-kim.blogspot.com/ signed off a comment to me with "Have a great day and remember to love yourself for exactly where you are. :) " which really hit home that it is one of the pieces of the puzzle that I will need to find to get to my goal, and kind of spooky that she mentioned the thing that I was struggling with over the last few days. Thanks for your kind words though Kim.

I need to write a few post it notes and put them around the house to keep certain things in focus, this will include from a previous post 'If nothing changes, nothing changes' and a few others. Another will be from a song that I randomly started singing to the kids yesterday... 'this little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine', I know its a churchy song, and as some of you know I am not religious, but I love gospel music.. go figure. Anyway, I think for me at the moment the song represents my spirit and the fact that I need to nurture it and allow it to grow and shine. I need to have some faith and belief in me.

I have been taking a few deep breaths and feeling good lately over simple things and just enjoying moments of clarity and beauty. Nature really is glorious and can provide so much that it is impossible to replicate, a beautiful beach, or flower, sun streaming through the clouds, perfect weather, moments of blissful quietness or stillness, amazing sunny perfect days.... all of which make me feel good about life, my life and the fact that it is important to stop and appreciate it all.

Goals for tomorrow... I need to make sure that before I go to lunch with the girls tomorrow I need to have done 1hr of cardio. I feel a Tae Bo session coming on! Try and fit in a half an hour alpha brainwave meditation before the kids get home from daycare.

A loss is a loss

This week I have lost only 0.2kgs, but a loss is a loss. Today is a new day, a new start to the weight loss week (Tuesdays!) and an opportunity to put aside my disappointment for the other 0.8 I was hoping for. I know that I had other things happening last week that I felt prevented me from doing more work to get the extra weight off.... as clearly hoping for it alone isn’t going to do much, otherwise I will start to hope for a few million dollars as well!!!


There are changes happening emotionally and environmentally at the moment that are necessary, and there are more coming. The positive influences I need around me are paramount to my ability to stay on track... if I have constant negativity I tend to be lead back to the chocolate block for comfort. Its time for me to be selfish and sort out my life, bring on the fantastic!

Emotional overload

The last week has seen me dealing with some heavy emotions that have been very draining for me. I kind of feel that I am in the eye of the storm at the moment so can take a breath and reflect on how this is affecting my weight loss campaign.... I would have to say that it has been up and down.
My resolve is still there, my goals are clear and defined, however I can still feel the negative internal beast nagging at me that I can’t do it. I know I can, I just have to be diligent in tracking my food intake, making planned positive choices, and get moving again. My exercise has halted at the moment due to sickness of me and the kids, weather etc.
I know I have slipped this week and I can guarantee that this will show on the scales tomorrow. This is a danger point for me; a negative result can cause a 180 for me. I am choosing to forgive myself this week for whatever the scales say tomorrow; this has been an incredibly hard week for me, one which I haven’t had in my life before, and hope to never have again.
Mentally I am focusing on focusing if that makes sense, I have the fight of my life ahead of me... that is the fight to get from obese to healthy. I can only succeed if I stay completely focused. I tend to slip into mindless eating very easily if I am unfocused.
I read a quote in the WW magazine last week and I am not sure if I have said it before here, but it really has stuck with me for everything, not just weight loss;
IF NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING CHANGES
So true!!!! Wish me luck for my weigh in tomorrow.

The return

The over crowded beach!!

My cousin & our kids playing

How beautiful is this? Well the reality is that I only enjoyed an hour of it on the last day as I was leaving :(

Sadly my trip was plagued by illness and rain. The first day was raining and the rest of the time there was vomiting, diarrhea and dizziness from various members of the family. However the 8 hour drive was all worth it to see my cousin Bonnie and her family.

This also meant that my grand plans for long walks with the kids in the pram were dashed. On the upside even though I didn’t track my food intake, I was in a household that is WW friendly and I enjoyed seeing how different salads and options were put together by Bonnie.... strange for me as anyone who knows me understands that I am a salad dodger from way back.

So I arrived home last night and have started back tracking my food intake today through Weight Watchers online.

I am hoping to feel less dizzy tomorrow and I am aiming for a walk around one of the local park circuits that finishes with the kids playing in the playground... seems to be something in it for everyone!

Sea break

On a whim I decided that it was time to go and have a few days up the coast with the kids visiting my cousin, ok so it was a 7 hour drive to get here... but I already feel like I am unwinding. Family is the best.

I weighed myself a day early today and I have lost 0.9kg this week.. yay me. So that's 2 kgs in two weeks, perfectly on track.

I am looking forward to taking a walk to the beach (a block away) with the kids in the pram and maybe discovering more of the area.

Thankfully my cousin has been on Weight Watchers before so is supportive of my healthy choices.

I will check in in a few days.

Soreness

Clearly the Tae Bo is good for me, I ache in places that I had forgotten had muscles!

Yesterday I helped a friend move and I am sure all the unpacking etc was beneficial to losing weight too, I am knackered last night.

I have noticed that I have been doing some 'brain retraining' when it comes to food, which can only be a good thing. When I am hungry now, I tend to tell my brain to switch the feeling off instead of diving for the closest thing to eat, and wait a bit longer. Also when I do eat I am trying to slow it down to let my brain catch up with feeling full without eating massive portions. This is all new for me, and the mental work that I am trying to do is different to every other time I have tried to lose weight, I have a determination to succeed now.

My runners are back :) I need to put them on and go for a walk, use some muscles that dont hurt!

An old friend

Thanks to my inspirational sister, I have been reunited with an old friend today. Yesterday she mentioned getting her old exercise videos out... yeah I know she is old school, and told me she remember years ago that I loved working out almost daily to them. That was indeed a long time ago, but it started me thinking about which dvd's are here collecting dust. So after cleaning the house today, I dusted off my old faithful Tae Bo Cardio dvd. Well I know I am alive thats for sure!!

I have been feeling really down lately, what with the reality of what damage I have done to my self up till now and the knock on effects that has on myself and others around me, oh and still having no luck at getting a full nights sleep. Anyway, after my workout today I felt really energised again.  I need to remind myself that I feel great on the otherside of exercise, its the mental push to get it started that is a challenge. I know I can complete the task, I am stubborn so once I start something I aim to finish it and with exercise I normally exceed my own expectations.

Its been a good productive day today, as are most Fridays when my beautiful rug rats are in daycare.

I am looking forward to the weekend and hope that I can be strong foodwise as weekends are my weekpoint.

Found

Good news, my runners have been located in country Victoria and are hopefully on their way here now, clearly I havent looked for them since Christmas.

I have been researching some toning/sculpting shoes while looking around online and may treat myself to a pair when I hit my 5% goal of weight loss. The shoes are a bit expensive, but if they help work out while I am already walking, then thats all good. Its good to have a present to look forward to.

The last few days I have been feeling like a zombie, going through the motions of each day on auto pilot. I have a headache behind my eyes and I cant seem to pull myself out of it. I have a lot of trouble sleeping and tend to live off about 5 hours a night, clearly not the best way to function. My brain is working overtime at the moment and I have lots of emotions bubbling to the surface. Lying in bed of a night and having all of this running around in my head does not help falling asleep. I think some valerian is in order tonight.

One of the things that I have been focusing on at the moment is looking at what I want my life to look like when I lose weight, it cant be the same as it is now. The life that I am trying to shed is set up for a fat person, it really is. I am trying to transition that mentally to start living the life of a non fat person. That means some changes though. Am I ready for those changes? Is my family? Well we will see, I am focused on motivating myself at the moment, as that is all I can control... me. I do know that I want to be surrounded by positive people, who are genuine and enjoy life. Anything less than that and I know I will be pulled down into a negative spiral which for me ends in food.

Bring on the peace, love and low fat... baby.

A loss!

1.1kg gone :) ... its a good start, 2kg would have been better but I am happy it was at the very least 1kg which is a safe pace.

Emotionally I have definitely been on a rollercoaster in the last few days. Yesterday I was very low, and when I stopped myself to explore what was behind it, I believe that it was the impending weigh in this morning. It appears that I have been telling myself quite a lot of negative things, mostly based on self doubt that I can do it and that I deserve the happiness at the end of it at all. I spent some time yesterday having an internal conversation with that negative voice and challenging what was being said. I really need to surround my self both internally and externally with positivity, and thankfully I have a great support network around me.

Things I did well this week: I made good food choices, avoided temptations, challenged negative thoughts, exercised and planned for success; filled up on vege soup before going out so I wasnt starving.

Things I need to improve over the next week are: Drinking more water, doing more exercise and taking my metformin everyday.

What I need to do today is: Celebrate my weight loss with a new pair of runners.... mine are definitely lost!

Blow out

Today was a testing day food wise for me. I struggle when I go out to visit people and it involves a meal outside of my own environment and control.  We had a lunch with my husbands family and while I can celebrate choices I made, such as having a quick bowl of vegetable soup before I left so that I wouldnt be hungry, and only having one slice of brie, I also hate the robotic arm I tend to have that mindlessly reaches out for snacks (I pointed the arm to the stawberries and grapes as much as I could). One of the best decisions I made today was to track everything honestly. So ok, I blew my WW points by 5, I have saved lots of points this week so it evens out.... it just feels like I need to be controling things even more for myself at the moment. But being honest with my food tracking can be a struggle, in the past I have outright lied to myself, then pretended that I didnt really scarf the chocolate or bikkies, then feel guilty, then eat more... the cycle starts.

Todays lesson has been to just be honest with my food tracking and I can deal with the reality if needed.

Temptation

My mother used to say that there was an angel sitting on one shoulder and the devil on the other whispering in our ears, it was up to us to make sure we listened to the angel. Temptation is one of my devils methods of torture; the little bugger has been jumping up and down shouting. My resolve is at an all time high at the moment though, for which I am grateful. I have been calculating Weight Watchers points in my head madly acknowledging the fact the chocolates, ice creams, cakes etc are not worth it for me. They are empty foods that would clearly taste amazing, but would leave me hungry with no points to spend on real filling food.

Temptation is a part of everyday life though so I need to create strategies for how I can over come them with positive results and then make it not such a big focus. I would love to be able to just say 'No thanks' and not have my angel and devil fighting madly for the next few minutes. How great would it be if the focus wasn’t always on food, if I should or shouldn’t eat it, what it would mean if I did, the sadness that I don’t have the fantastic metabolism that some have, the guilt associated with wanting the food in the first place, the guilt that I feel for feeling guilty... that’s the best one.. what a cracker. One day it will be easier I am sure, till then I am preparing for the battle that has already commenced. Bring it!!!

Welcome back Wii

It really is amazing how much I have achieved in the last 24 hours due to my new burst of energy; emotionally, mentally and physically.

The Wii Fit has made an appearance again, I am sure my lovely husband is happy about this as it was gathering dust on the piano. I have managed to get in a half an hour yesterday and today. Of course I still find it rude that it needs to stay 'Ouch' as I stand on it!!!!

I think my body is in shock... I cant remember the last time I excercised 3 days in a row.

Well cant stop too long... more things to get on with!

Missing runners

I had a better food day yesterday and planned risotto for dinner (changed the ingredients to make it WW friendly), an oven baked one rather then the usual labour intensive usual version that I do. The plan was simple, prepare it and pop it in the oven when my husband got home, then take the dog for a walk around the block.
It then became evident that maybe, just maybe I haven’t set my life up for weight loss. All was great until I went to get my runners.... and as I searched the house, I realised I couldn’t remember the last time that I saw them. Oops. I was determined to go for that walk though, regardless. I grabbed another pair of shoes to make do, and off we went. Actually I surprised myself, initially I was planning on just a short version of the block, and then it turned into me tackling a big hill that I have avoided for the last 5 years of living here. And it was a good look for sure, I was in mismatched clothes with remnants of thrown food on them from the kids, red in the face and was a sweaty betty… but I didn’t really care (too much anyway).
My mindset changed while I was walking from... 'my back hurts I'll make this quick and get it out the way' to 'surely the hill wont kill me, I will be proud of myself at the end'. And I am. A friend once said 'Its not going to kill me' when challenging himself to something and it has stuck in my head.... ok so he was talking about going up to the hard level of guitar on Band Hero... but hey, its adaptable right?
So the hunt will continue today for those runners or I will go and buy some more today. The mind is a great thing when you do challenge what is being said in there.

Another day

They say the first day is the hardest... if that’s the case then I am glad that it is behind me. Yesterday I ended up eating a lot less than I intended, I think out of fear that I would just eat everything.... I was so hungry. After a think about how I was planning to proceed, what the structure of my eating plan was going to be and how I was to track it in a manageable way, I decided to join back up to WW (Weight Watchers) again, this time on line. I think that the meetings influence me in a way that I don’t find helpful; I tend to base my success or failure on others around me. Being back at WW is a good thing as I know the system, it is really flexible for any situation, I can convert recipes into healthier versions via the online tools, and I can cook for the whole family rather than just me.
Its quite outrageous when I look back at all the different systems for weight loss that I have used so far and the money spent on it; I tried throwing it all back up as a teenager till someone said that it hurts your teeth and I stopped, I have been to dieticians, nutritionists, Sureslim, a few different shake diets, numerous different crash diets, and this is the 6th time I have gone back to WW. All of which work just fine, there is something mentally that I do when I see that I am succeeding that I switch it back to self sabotage mode. This needs to be one of my focal points to push past the negative behaviors.
So.... I guess I can’t change the past, only the future.

One thing that I did notice last night was that when the highly stressful feeding time at the zoo came about (dinner time with the twins), and the kids were throwing food, utensils and screams around the room, all I could think about was chocolate. Kind of like when I was a smoker I had thought at the time that a cigarette would help any situation... clearly not a logical thought at all. I do feel like I need to break the addiction just like I did with smoking.

Today is going to be an easier day :)

The start of my new chapter

Oh my god, just weighed myself to have a starting point..........oh my god. And now I feel a mixture of emotions, embarrassed, disappointed, anger, fear... all of which I need to channel to begin and succeed at this challenge I have set myself, which is to get from FAT to FANTASTIC!!!
Ok, so here is a lesson in vulnerability... my starting weight is, gulp, 132.6kg. Holy crap batman, when did I give up on myself and allow this sort of snowball to begin?

These are the thoughts running through my head as I sip my sugarless coffee and eat my sugarless and much reduced breakfast.... must hide the leftover Easter eggs and ask my husband to take them to work.
It most definitely is a new day.



Pete

Here we go...

Well here is my first post on my first blog site... how exciting. Well the journey has begun. My first few steps have been achieved; find the courage (tick), make the commitment to myself and others (tick), pick a start date (tick), set up the site (tick)... and we are off and racing.

The time has come for this outrageously good person and mum to be kind to herself and dare to turn her dreams into reality. The reality IS that I am hugely overweight, risking my life and health out of laziness and lack of concern for my own well being. It is time to believe in myself and achieve the once thought impossible dream of looking in the mirror and liking what I see. There are so many things I look forward to, and living a long life with my family is the most important to me at the moment.

My plan is starting tomorrow morning (post Easter of course) to start to eat healthy, wholesome food, drink lots of water, and exercise my way down from FAT to FANTASTIC!! I will post my progress as I go and include a stats page of weights, measurements, BMI, pictures etc so that the progress is trackable.

I am excited to be sharing my journey with anyone and everyone who is interested in following me.

See you tomorrow :)